...of "B-Movie Enthusiast " by Ryan Morini



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Art Wench: Welcome back to The Sartain Literary Review - Poetry Corner. And here's are *cough* charming hosts, Mark and Davy. The bridge is yours, boys. *finds a quiet corner and starts poking at a pile of magazines*

Davy: Tonight we are reading the poem, "B-Movie Enthusiast" by Ryan Morini. ^_^

Mark: *scowl* Which is merely Italian immigrant English for "Ryan the Moron". What was he thinking when he submitted this?

Davy: Hey! I liked it! I thought this poem was sheer genius. Never before have I seen captured in print the feeling I get from watching a good B-movie.... hmm... is that an oxymoron of sorts?

Mark: *rolling his eyes* This coming from the boy that thinks it isn't real poetry unless it rhymes.

Davy: Excuse me? I think I was all of twelve years old when I said that. I hardly think -

Mark: *interrupting* And you still keep a copy of Shel Silverstein's work beside your bed, do you not?

Davy: *bristling defensively* So? Lots of adults still like Shel Silverstein. His work is timeless.

Mark: Right. Of course. *mockingly* And do you still have your little cartoon character sheets? What were they? Winnie the Poo, was it?

Davy: >=( I have never had Winnie the Poo sheets!

Mark: Oh, my mistake - they were GI Joe, no doubt.

Davy: *growl* I do not, nor have I ever, had cartoon character sheets of any kind. Now can we get back to the review, please?

Mark: I don't know. Can we? I'm not sure if you're mentally stable enough to review poetry in front of a nation-wide audience. First the children's books, movies, and toys, then the cartoon character sheets, next thing I know, I'm going to walk into your office and catch you sitting on the floor with your blankie, sucking your thumb, wearing only Batman and Robin Underoos.

Davy: *at Art Wench* Will you please make him stop???

Art Wench: *automatically, as she flips through a magazine* Markkas, stop taunting your brother.

Davy: And?

Art Wench: *tossing magazine aside, and searching for another* And you do not have cartoon character sheets, Underoos, or any other potentially embarrassing mementos from a childhood that you never had. No, I cannot be persuaded to draw anything portraying you in that fashion. Satisfied?

Davy: Yup. Okay, now where was I?

Mark: Reviewing this... thing.

Davy: *scowl* The only reason you don't like it is because you're too much of a snob to admit that there is anything socially or intellectually redeeming about B horror movies.

Mark: Very well, if I'm being so unreasonable, go ahead and name some reasons why I should like them.

Davy: Well, the author made a very valid point. What's more demeaning, watching, say, "Plan 9" and enjoying it, or watching "Jerry Springer"?

Mark: *disgusted lip curl* I don't watch "Jerry Springer" either. Or Music Television. Or any television, for that matter. I simply have better things to do.

Davy: What? Like torturing pretty adolescent girls?

Mark: *challenging smirk* Why yes, absolutely. That's a fine example. Spending the evening listening to actual blood-curdling screams is ever so much more satisfying than listening to poorly-executed faux ones. Don't you agree?

Davy: *exasperated* Of course I disagree! At least no one truly gets hurt or killed when watching a B-movie! Unless of course one is actually in the movie, that is. Then you're almost guaranteed to get attacked by something nasty. Especially if you're getting a little action with your significant other in front of the TV. Then you're just asking for it. Yup, might as well just slap a great big sign saying "Free Victim Here!" on your back.

Mark: *raising brow* So... there's no actual pain involved, except that of the poor viewer who is subjecting his or herself to this crap. Now where's the fun in that? You aren't exactly selling this to me, David. I think I'll stick to the real life abductions, torture and murder. And the monthly sacrifice to Lord Chaos. Oh my, I nearly forgot. *pulls out appointment book*

Davy: *pulling his hair in frustration* Gah! Argh! You are such an ASSHOLE!

Art Wench: *still looking at magazine* Davy, language. Mark, stop baiting your brother. Davy, ignore him. He'll get his, eventually. *turns page* Ooh... I like that shirt.

Davy: *triumphantly* See? She says you're gonna pay for all the stuff you do.

Mark: *straightening his tie* She's only saying that to make you feel better. She can't get rid of me, as my fanclub would beat her senseless. *smirk* I would dearly love to see that happen.

Davy: She wouldn't lie to me like that. *looks anxious* Would you?

Art Wench: Yes, I would, if it would make you two LEAVE ME ALONE!

Mark & Davy: *exchange looks* Right...

Davy: *quickly glancing back at the poem* Um... anyway.. .so what's your favorite bit? Mine is, "Movies lit by car headlights at night, Movies lit by torchlight so ineffectual on film, Movies lit not at all That let the darkness be itself... And make the television screen look like it's off, Movies lit by the sun, that disguise daylight with "nightlike" blue camera filters, Movies lit by the sun that disguise nothing and script it as night. The female lead might have been chosen for reasons other than acting, And the male lead might be the producer's nephew, And both might be in their thirties playing teenagers. If the soundtrack doesn't sound horrible, It was probably taken from the public domain, Or stolen from another film." Makes me want to go out and make a movie. So inspirational. *sigh*

Mark: Hmm... that's interesting. It inspires me to go out and do great bodily harm to the author. Let's see... favorite bit. I believe it's, "People often ask me, "Why do you waste your money on those things?" The author might have spared himself and us a great deal of time and trouble if he had stopped right there.

Davy: *sadly shaking his head* Mark, Mark, Mark... you just don't get it, do you? Well, time is up, and I hope you enjoyed the show. I'm Adavidarian Sartain, that's Markkastanen Sartain, and this is The Sartain Literary Review - Poetry Corner. Thank you and good night. ^_^


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